Crisis of Belief

I must confess that since I finished the last sentence of my blog last night, I have not stopped thinking and praying about how I should START the blog tonight! There are so many different things going through my head. So many possibilities. The prayer I have said over and over again is, "Lord, where do you want me to begin..."

I have tossed around different things like starting at the very beginning, in the garden of Eden. There is no doubt that the first sin ever committed stemmed from doubt and unbelief. I've also thought about defining what faith is---how we define it and how the Bible defines it. I think I definitely will do these things at some point, but throughout the day I kept coming back to the phrase "Crisis of Belief." This is a phrase that appears in Henry Blackaby's "Experiencing God." Its a great Bible study that has been around for years and really was a revolutionary study in its time.

I can't discuss what a crisis of belief is unless I share my story--my testimony.
Many who are reading this know a good bit of it, and where God has brought me in my faith journey this last decade of my life. But, I think I should share it again in hopes to provide a foundation for future postings. Hopefully this will help everyone understand where I am coming from and why I believe what I believe.

WARNING: This will be a longer blog than usual! Hang in there!

If, like me, you have been going to church your entire life and accepted Christ as your Savior and Lord when you were young, today's posting will make total sense to you (I hope). If you came to know Jesus Christ later in life, then your experience may be a little different and you may not have experienced a "crisis of belief" yet.
Or, maybe it was a crisis that made you choose Christ! Or, you may have never really gone to church and never really thought much about God at all. If that is the case then please don't hesitate to email me with questions.


When I first went through the "Experiencing God" study I'm pretty sure I was in high school. I had been a Christian for about 6-7 years or so. As I look back now, I realize I had no clue what a crisis of belief really was. I could understand what Blackaby was saying in my reasoning/logical mind, but had no real heart relation to the true meaning of it. I think the same could be said of my faith. Don't get me wrong, I had undoubtedly experienced what we call "saving faith." I believed that Jesus was the Son of God who came to earth and died for my sin and rose again. I knew that I could not spend eternity with God on my own merit--it was only by His grace. I firmly believed these truths and confessed them. (Romans 10:9, Ephesians 2:8-9). There is no doubt that I had experienced a heart transformation or spiritual regeneration as theologians call it.

But the kind of faith the Bible talks about isn't just "acknowledging something to be true...or having a deep emotional resonance with something. The biblical concept of believing involves action." William Mounce.

Okay, if you just breezed through that statement without thinking about it much, read it again. Think about it.

There are countless scriptures that support this statement, and in future blogs I will cover them all, but I didn't really realize until I was in my late 20s that I had been coasting along in my Christianity. I was very comfortable, very lukewarm, and not exercising much faith. I know God had been calling me to go deeper with Him and to step out of my comfort zone and start doing some kind of ministry work. Needless to say, I resisted Him---for years.

I experienced a crisis of belief when I was 27 years old. I guess you could also call it a testing of my faith. There is no doubt that the circumstances of September 12, 2001 and June 18, 2002 were meant for refining my faith in the FIRE.
I'm sure as you read through the first date I listed, many of you thought of 9/11.
In addition to the horrible events that took place in our nation, 9/11 was a crushing tragedy of our own.

I was 7 months pregnant with the baby that was to be our first child--Allen Ross Hightower IV. We were going to call him Ross. I only had 8 weeks left in my pregnancy. As I think about that today, realizing that Julianne was born 4 weeks premature, I realize just how close we were to bringing Ross home. But, in the early hours of Sept. 12, Ross died in utero. Words cannot describe that day for me.
I will say that in the midst of everything, God's peace and strength were undoubtedly felt. Just when I didn't think I could do what I had to do over the next hours, (deliver a stillborn baby), God gave me the strength and peace to do it.
Can I just say here that GOD IS FAITHFUL even when we are NOT!

Even though this loss devastated us, Allen and I did not lose hope for one second.
We knew we would try again soon. Sure enough, in April of 2002, I was pregnant again. Although I was a little fearful, deep down I thought that nothing would or could go wrong. The first time was just a fluke. When I was 12 weeks along, I went to my OBGYN for a checkup. This is usually the appointment when you hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. During that checkup I went from nervousness to apprehension to utter devastation as we realized it had happened AGAIN.

This was not supposed to happen to me. I remember telling God that Allen and I were two godly people who followed Him. We DESERVED a baby. "Why, God? Why did you allow this to happen?"

In the following weeks everything I had believed and held on to for all those years was feeling shaky. My faith was rocked to its core.

Did God really exist?
If so, why did he allow this to happen?
Does God really love me?

I went from grief to denial to anger at God, and every step in between. I didn't pray. I didn't read my Bible. I didn't want to hear anybody quote scripture to me.
I knew all the right answers in my head, but my heart would not accept them.

I didn't lose my faith, but there is no doubt I began to ask some SERIOUS questions.

There you have it...a crisis of belief...a testing of my faith. Was my faith genuine? (1 Peter 1:6-7).

At the time, I was not certain. But now, almost 8 years later I know with out a doubt that my faith needed refining. What is refining? Just think about a person who works with silver or gold. When a refiner first begins to work with these, they are dirty and full of impurities. So what does the refiner do---he sticks them into the fire. It has to be a fire, for fire will burn off the impurities. The refiner
pulls out the silver takes a look at it and sees that there are still impurities.
So, he shoves it back in the fire. This process goes on and on until he takes out
the silver and can see his reflection in it.

As a Christian, our faith is refined in much the same way. Now, let me be clear that when you accept Christ, God sees you as pure and holy. You do not have to earn his favor by trying to "do good." Jesus' blood covers our sin. But, there is no
doubt that when we accept Christ we still sin. God has a purpose for our lives. He has a ministry planned for each and every one of us who follow Him. He wants us to grow in Him, to become more like Christ in what we do, think, say, and believe.
So, he is going to allow and ordain times of testing of our faith. This happens over and over again until we are taken home to be with Him---and then we will see clearly and fully understand what He was about while we were here on earth.

"Though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in ALL KINDS of trials. These have come so that your faith---of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire---may be proved genuine AND may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1: 6-7

We could all make a huge list of trials and testings we and those we love have experienced. You may be grieving the loss of a loved one, or desperately trying to find a new job, or having troubles in your relationships. Please take heart in knowing that there is a purpose in them. For those who are in Christ, God promises that "in all things he works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." There is JOY ahead!!

I will never forget the day, about 3 years after my faith crisis when I told my small group of college women that if I could go back and change what happened, I wouldn't. Why? Because the growth and joy that resulted is exponentially more than any grief, anger, or hurt that I experienced. For one thing, I would not be writing this blog. :) I would not be passionate about mentoring and sharing Christ with college women. I would not be determined daily pray that my children love God with all their heart, mind, soul, and strength. My marriage would not be what it is today.

I know this was a little long, but I just wanted to share a little of what God has taught me through difficult times. I'm sure I have more crisis moments ahead, and I pray that my faith will prove genuine when I walk through the fire. Honestly, I still doubt. I still fear that I won't come out of the next one as good as I've come out this time. Well, there you have it---an area of unbelief! FEAR!

We will address that in the next time....

Thanks for hanging in there and reading my ramblings!

For other scriptures about this faith topic read:

James 1
2 Corinthians 4-5, 12:1-10
Romans 5
The story of Joseph in Genesis Chapters 37-42