Its about TIME!!

As I came into this weekend, I just knew that the time was coming to write a new post for this blog.  I didn't know what it would be about, and there were different ideas swirling around in my head.  I can't describe the feeling I had, but I just knew that one was coming.  There is something about the onset of the week of my Lord's Passion that just gets my heart tendered toward Him.  I become really aware of the sin in my life and just how amazing His grace really is.  I begin to ponder and meditate on just how much my God loves me.  I think about His faithfulness when my tendency is to be anything but faithful.  I think about the fact that I am His child, and with that identity and position comes amazing love, an abundance of mercy, and perfect discipline.  What I mean by that is, His discipline always perfectly fits my need.  He convicts me through His Word, or uses someone close to me to point me back to Him, He pries my fingers from things that I thought were good for me, He closes doors, and, sometimes He uses my children.

There are many times that I marvel at the wonderful creation of God called parenting.  I never would have dreamed the lessons I have learned by being a parent.  It is through parenting that God has given me a little taste of what he feels about me, and a better understanding of just how much He loves me.  He also shows me, through the actions of my children, how I can treat Him.  He shows me my tendency toward independence and rebellion.  And, through it all, I come to a deeper and clearer understanding of His patience, kindness, and love.

The last few weeks have not been easy nor pleasant for me.   Caroline is in a phase that I would call her first adolescence.  Sure, her twos were terrible at times :) but, this is different.  There has been the crossing of the arms, rolling of the eyes, and huffing around like she's 15 already.  I found myself saying several times today, "O Lord help me!"   I am quite sure that she has spoken to me in ways I never spoke to my parents, and Allen and I are disciplining in the same way I was raised--and it worked!  Sometimes it is like she's never been disciplined in her entire life, which couldn't be further from the truth.  Being a student of the wonderful book "Shepherding a Child's Heart", my thoughts have been, "Okay, we've got to get to the heart of this.  I will ask probing questions to see what is going on in her heart."  While a 15 year old wouldn't have much trouble speaking her mind, a 5 year old isn't quite there yet.  I have wondered if it has something to do with Julianne at some level.  Allen and I have thought that it is important to make sure Caroline is getting the attention from us that she needs.  There is no doubt that has suffered a bit since I have gone back to teaching this year---and taking Hebrew---AND teaching a Bible study---AND doing the things a wife and mom does for her family every day. 

Bottom line:  For a child, love is spelled T-I-M-E.  I was reminded of this truth again as I talked over our situation with my parents.  What a blessing to have godly parents who will tell you like it is in a loving an gentle way.  Thanks, mom and dad for your words of wisdom tonight.  After our phone conversation, I sprung into action.  The determined perfectionist that I am---I got off of the phone and immediately started to think of ways I could spend some quality time with Caroline--to listen to her, talk to her, and spend more time with her.   So, tomorrow for lunch it is a mommy daughter date to her favorite restaurant in town. 

But, even after that decision was made, I still felt like I needed to think through somethings and pray.  I don't know where your prayer closet is, but mine is in the shower.  :)   Yes, you read that correctly.  Many times, if I need to clear my head or talk to God I jump into a nice warm shower and start thinking, praying, and sometimes talking.  Thankfully I didn't do this in college or my suite mates would have thought I was crazy!!  I cannot tell you how many times God has spoken to my heart during these times.  Weird huh?  Well, tonight I had another spiritual revelation in the shower!

I was thinking about how Caroline has been behaving and I believe this anger has manifested itself because I have not had time to give her my full undivided attention.  Sure, I tell her I love her, I tell her she is beautiful, I tell her how happy I am that she is my daughter.  But you know what---words are not enough.  I began to think about times in my own life when I have longed for someone to spend time with me, to really stop what they are doing and make me a priority.  We humans SO depend upon that.  I have learned that ministry opportunities take TIME.  Any time that I have done work for the Kingdom, it has meant sacrificing my own selfish goals and ambitions for the day.  Often, the opportunities God provides for ministry happen at what we would consider the worst possible time.  But, we then realize that if we follow through and obey, we reap a blessing of joy that far outweighs anything we would have chosen to do that day on our own.   For a child, the same rules apply, in a way.  I am convinced that what Caroline needs most right now, is for me to show my love to her by spending time with her and giving her my undivided attention.   Its time for me to put away the homework, the cleaning, the cooking, the emailing, and the myriads of other things that distract me and just listen to her.

As I stood in the shower I came to a realization. Like my relationship with Caroline, Julianne, and Allen--words alone cannot define my relationship with God.  My words are not enough.  I can stand there in church and worship with a pure heart, and I can lead a group of women in a Bible study, and I can talk about Him to my family, but these words cannot be the measure of my relationship with Him.   But the words I speak with Him alone--one on one in a time that I have sacrificed and set aside just for Him--that is different.   Love is spelled T-I-M-E.  I was brought to the place where I realized yet again how my words may not be enough but His Word is.  I can converse with him through His Word.  I can listen to Him.  I can revel in His presence.  You know what is really wonderful??  When I neglect my time with Him, He does not respond as Caroline or I would respond if someone were not spending time with me.  He does not react in anger, He doesn't wine or complain, He doesn't speak ill of me.  Instead, He patiently waits.   And, when my well runs dry and I realize I have neglected my first love, all I have to do is confess and run back to Him and He is waiting with open arms to pour out his love, truth, and freedom into my soul.  He is my Abba, Father.

I heard a great sermon today about the events of Palm Sunday, and the attitudes of those in the crowd.  The man who preached described these people as merely "fans" of Jesus, not followers.  By the end of the week, many of these people changed their "Hosannas"  (Save!) to "Crucify Him!!"  He asked us--are you a fan of Jesus or a follower?  This really hit me.  When we are a fan of someone, we can talk them up really well, but it is so surface--so fleeting.   We can talk the good, churchy talk--can't we?  But when the rubber meets the road--or should I say, when our feet hit the pavement---are we following Him?  Are we walking as Jesus walked?  Doing so requires sacrifice.  It requires a crucifixion.  We must die to self and instead, abide in Him.  "I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.  The life I live in the body I live by faith in the One who loved me and gave Himself for me."  Faith is not just speaking doctrinal truths, it is living out day by day, step by step--the actions that define a follower of Christ.

Abide in Him.  Talk with Him.  Spend time with Him.   He is our Abba.

And He is waiting and so willing.